For the past week I have been getting back to a normal schedule after Carrie's passing and my surgery. I can't stop thinking about her though...which I know is normal. I know all about the 5 stages of grieving and all that. I don't question how I feel...I just let myself feel it...ok that is not true...I do question it. I question it because sometimes it makes me feel guilty.
I met Carrie when I was 9 years old. We grew up together and our families were close. My mom considered Carrie a second daughter and always had a special relationship with her brother John. Our mom's were very close friends. I always looked up to her sister when we were growing up and I loved her dad. Carrie and her dad were like two peas in a pod. I even remember spending time with her Grandma when she was here. I can remember picking her up to take her to lunch with my mom and grandma. We would hang out with Carrie's grandma even when her family wasn't with us. Our grandma's were friends. I don't remember a time being in Sierra Vista that the Myers family wasn't in my life. I remember when Carrie would worry about her dad. I remember when her dad passed away and I know that it still affected Carrie deeply through her adulthood. I learned about Marfans from Carrie and her dad. I always took for granted that I knew about the disease because of my connection to her. The truth is that I didn't. I just knew what I saw in Carrie. It wasn't until she ended up in Houston that I went onto a Marfans support group on Facebook and realized all the treatments and preventative stuff they do for people with Marfans.
I was by Carrie's side after her first surgery and in 2009 and made many trips to Tucson to see her or take her to the Dr. I even went on a couple of follow ups with her. I saw her going to the Dr. and saw her get better. It took her a year to get better, but after that her energy came back and she told everyone she was better. I watched her thrive and it didn't occur to me that she needed to go to the Dr. regularly or when it did I just assumed that she would take care of herself. Also, Carrie was fiercely stubborn and independent - no one could make her do anything she didn't want to. Going to the Dr. was not something that anyone could make her do.
I have been dwelling on the what ifs and the why's. What if I had researched sooner, why didn't Carrie talk more about it, what if I had pushed her more to go to the Dr., why did she live in denial? I have been mad at her for leaving all of us like this. I have been mad at myself for not paying more attention. I have been questioning so many things. In the end I know that none of the answers matter now and that this is just a part of grieving. Carrie lived her life on her terms and she accomplished so many of her goals. She was fiercely loyal and there is no way to fully encapsulate in words how generous, kind, and loving she was. I miss her like crazy. She was my closest friend outside of my family. I loved her and will always love her. I have a so many memories that wouldn't be complete without her.
I am going to stay in touch with her family and I am going to do whatever I can to help Will stay healthy. I know that everyone that was close to Carrie has that thought in their head. I wish that I could do more for him. He lost his mom and that is irreplaceable...it is so unfair. I console myself with the Christian thoughts that I have. I think that Carrie is at peace and with God now, however, it tests my faith. Am I thinking that because it helps me feel better about losing her or do I truly believe that. I did the same thing when I lost my dad. I had a pastor who told me that our faith should be tested and that it's a good thing to question it. God does not truly want us to be led blindly and that the crazy fundamentals out there would have you think different. (He did not use the term crazy fundamentals, but I know that's who he was referring too.) We wouldn't be human if we didn't question. I suppose I am just trying to find something to make me feel better, but I don't think that will happen for awhile. I will let myself grieve...and in the meantime I wanted to share Carrie's life in my own words...
Carrie was born and raised in Sierra Vista, AZ. She attended Bella Vista Elementary School, Sierra Vista Middle School, and Buena High School. She graduated in 1990. While growing up she achieved many accomplishments. She loved working on the yearbook staff at school and did that thru her Senior year. She loved Rainbow. At the age of 12 she was initiated into the International Order of the Rainbow for Girls. She worked her way up through the offices and on May 9, 1987 she was installed as Worthy Advisor of our local Assembly, Sunrise #39. After that Carrie was appointed to Grand Offices on the state level. She was Grand Christian Flag Bearer, Grand Immortality, Grand Charity, and Chairman of the Jr. Grand Executive Committee. Her favorite office and the one she cherished most was that of Grand Charity. Carrie worked babysitting through middle school and high school and worked at Fran Richey insurance at the end of high school. She worked very hard to be able to pay for all the traveling expenses that came with her Rainbow responsibilities. Carrie met Eric Stubbs in Sierra Vista after high school and they had a son, Will, in December 1992. They were married and Eric joined the Air Force. They were stationed at Nellis Air Force Base in Las Vegas. Carrie lived there until they separated after 15 years and she and Will moved back to Sierra Vista. Carrie always loved going to back to Vegas. Upon moving back to Sierra Vista Carrie became friends with Martha and Kathy. The three of them had standing Friday night plans for years. Martha and Kathy would become her supporters when she was having a hard time and would also be her biggest advocates. They were the 3 Musketeers and I know they gave Carrie back a sense of self confidence that she had lost after her separation from her husband and subsequent divorce. Carrie worked for Armed Forces Bank and worked her way up. She was a personal banker on Ft. Huachuca and then was promoted to Assistant Branch Manager. Carrie's goal was to make it to Branch Manager, which she did in Dec. 2014. At the same time that she was working towards a job promotion, she was also working on another goal. That goal was to help re-open the Rainbow Assembly that had been so important to her growing up. She also achieved that goal in December 2014. Carrie was also active in her local Eastern Star Chapter and was holding the office of Conductress at Electa #51 in Sierra Vista. Carrie belonged to Sierra Vista United Methodist Church and loved her church family there, some of whom had known Carrie her entire life. Carrie's heart was 100% her son Will and everyone who knew Carrie could see that instantly. In all aspects of Carrie's life she made life long friends. She was the greatest friend and her love touched so many. From school, to the neighborhood growing up, Rainbow, Eastern Star, Church, Work, and her personal life, Carrie had hundreds of friends that all remember the same genuinely loyal, kind, and loving friend that she was! She will be missed by many and loved always!!!!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
My friend, Carrie...
My friend Carrie has been in the hospital fighting for her life for two weeks. It seems like it's been months already...but it has only been 14 days and she may remain in the hospital for months at this point. I consider Carrie one of my best friends, but in my heart she is more like my sister and I have spent the past two weeks trying to comprehend what is happening to her, her son, the rest of her family, and all of her friends that are like an extended family. I literally don't know what to do and for people who know me - I don't like not knowing what to do. Carrie has given me a hard time on quite a few occasions over my control freak issues. Just as many people, I am praying for her and am trying to focus on my faith in God, but it is trying and I would be lying if I said this situation isn't testing that. Writing is my outlet when I can't verbalize my thoughts or if I just have too many. I am spinning with how comes, what ifs, and whys...
Carrie and I met when I first moved to Sierra Vista in 1981. It was fourth grade and we went to Bella Vista together and were in girl scouts together. It was because of girl scouts that we became better friends. I moved to Village Meadows for 6th grade, but we were still in scouts together. Than in 7th grade we both joined Rainbow when we were 12. Rainbow is what created and sealed our lifelong friendship. Between the ages of 16-18 we spent an incredible amount of time together-traveling and making life long memories. Our junior year we went to California together on a group trip for Rainbow. It was her first time on a plane and I will never forget how nervous she was. She still doesn't care for plane rides. We got matching black t-shirts with our first names on the front and green metallic sahuaro's and ARIZONA on the back. We were going to Disneyland and it was the first time either of us had been there. It was such an 80's thing to have matching t-shirts with our names so everyone knew we were best friends from AZ while we walked around Disneyland. I will never forget when we were standing in line for Magic Mountain and I read the warning sign about people with heart conditions not riding. I was freaking out about her getting on-I kept asking if it was a good idea. She finally convinced me that the ride was safe for her. I spent the whole ride staring at her wide eyed worrying - when we got off she convinced me to ride it again because I didn't enjoy the first time. We did go a second time and then a third...and it was a blast. That was just one of many times in my life when Carrie had to talk me down from a freak out. She has always been a balance for me.
Carrie and I both had our sons when we were young. Josh was born when I was 19 and about a year and a half later Carrie had Will. I remember a lot of Josh's baby stuff being passed onto Will. Our lives went in two completely separate directions at that point. 15 years passed by and my mom and Carrie's mom stayed friends and my mom would give me updates on Carrie. Our lives both changed drastically around that time and we both ended up back in Sierra Vista. I knew she had been back in town and was working at the bank on post, but I was embarrassed to reach out to her because my life had been a real wreck before I moved back. I missed her though, even after all those years. I got her number from my mom and called her. Literally within a week we were back in each other's lives like time hadn't passed. She had been worried about reconnecting with old friends as well and together we started seeking out old friends and before we knew it we were having get togethers with other old friends from school. It was at that time that I realized I wasn't the only one who saw what a wonderful, caring, sweet, and kind person Carrie was. Out of all of us, Carrie is the most genuine, her kindness and patience is one of a kind. And within all that is an amazing sarcastic sense of humor. After her divorce she worked harder than anyone to establish her independence
and in an almost annoyingly stubborn way would not accept anything that she felt she didn't earn. Just trying to buy her lunch turned into a complete stand off.
Carrie is the most amazing mom! I don't even need to expand on that because everyone can see it. Her world is her son and it is unwavering. Everything she has done since moving back to Sierra Vista has been for him. I am so angry that right now in the midst of everything she has worked so hard to accomplish and be on top of this is how she ends up. She busted her chops at her job and was just promoted to Branch Manager at her job. Her and I just spent the last year working to re-open our old Rainbow Assembly and we accomplished that on December 13th - literally right after she got promoted. Her son is kicking butt in College and I know she was still very concerned about the future, but I know that she was finally proudly and confidently looking at all she had done for herself and Will.
The outpouring of love and support for her has also truly validated how much she means to not just me, but everyone she is friends with. Her genuineness and good heart beams out of her. Please don't stop praying, wishing, hoping, sending positive energy - whatever it is your faith brings you to do for people you care for please send it to Carrie and her family.
Carrie and I met when I first moved to Sierra Vista in 1981. It was fourth grade and we went to Bella Vista together and were in girl scouts together. It was because of girl scouts that we became better friends. I moved to Village Meadows for 6th grade, but we were still in scouts together. Than in 7th grade we both joined Rainbow when we were 12. Rainbow is what created and sealed our lifelong friendship. Between the ages of 16-18 we spent an incredible amount of time together-traveling and making life long memories. Our junior year we went to California together on a group trip for Rainbow. It was her first time on a plane and I will never forget how nervous she was. She still doesn't care for plane rides. We got matching black t-shirts with our first names on the front and green metallic sahuaro's and ARIZONA on the back. We were going to Disneyland and it was the first time either of us had been there. It was such an 80's thing to have matching t-shirts with our names so everyone knew we were best friends from AZ while we walked around Disneyland. I will never forget when we were standing in line for Magic Mountain and I read the warning sign about people with heart conditions not riding. I was freaking out about her getting on-I kept asking if it was a good idea. She finally convinced me that the ride was safe for her. I spent the whole ride staring at her wide eyed worrying - when we got off she convinced me to ride it again because I didn't enjoy the first time. We did go a second time and then a third...and it was a blast. That was just one of many times in my life when Carrie had to talk me down from a freak out. She has always been a balance for me.
Carrie and I both had our sons when we were young. Josh was born when I was 19 and about a year and a half later Carrie had Will. I remember a lot of Josh's baby stuff being passed onto Will. Our lives went in two completely separate directions at that point. 15 years passed by and my mom and Carrie's mom stayed friends and my mom would give me updates on Carrie. Our lives both changed drastically around that time and we both ended up back in Sierra Vista. I knew she had been back in town and was working at the bank on post, but I was embarrassed to reach out to her because my life had been a real wreck before I moved back. I missed her though, even after all those years. I got her number from my mom and called her. Literally within a week we were back in each other's lives like time hadn't passed. She had been worried about reconnecting with old friends as well and together we started seeking out old friends and before we knew it we were having get togethers with other old friends from school. It was at that time that I realized I wasn't the only one who saw what a wonderful, caring, sweet, and kind person Carrie was. Out of all of us, Carrie is the most genuine, her kindness and patience is one of a kind. And within all that is an amazing sarcastic sense of humor. After her divorce she worked harder than anyone to establish her independence
and in an almost annoyingly stubborn way would not accept anything that she felt she didn't earn. Just trying to buy her lunch turned into a complete stand off.
Carrie is the most amazing mom! I don't even need to expand on that because everyone can see it. Her world is her son and it is unwavering. Everything she has done since moving back to Sierra Vista has been for him. I am so angry that right now in the midst of everything she has worked so hard to accomplish and be on top of this is how she ends up. She busted her chops at her job and was just promoted to Branch Manager at her job. Her and I just spent the last year working to re-open our old Rainbow Assembly and we accomplished that on December 13th - literally right after she got promoted. Her son is kicking butt in College and I know she was still very concerned about the future, but I know that she was finally proudly and confidently looking at all she had done for herself and Will.
The outpouring of love and support for her has also truly validated how much she means to not just me, but everyone she is friends with. Her genuineness and good heart beams out of her. Please don't stop praying, wishing, hoping, sending positive energy - whatever it is your faith brings you to do for people you care for please send it to Carrie and her family.
Monday, May 5, 2014
A day for random thoughts...
I haven't posted in awhile...once again that funny thing I call "my life" keeps me from what I love to do. That was a joke, but life does get in the way of my mindless blogging. I realize that what I love to do is just put my thoughts out there. Yes, some people just call it, "talking all the time"...but I prefer a more complimentary description...like vocal entertainer. It is the same when I write...I just spill my thoughts onto the screen and hope that I remember to click save...because I could never come up with the same thing twice.
I was looking back over things that I have posted about in the past and realized that I like to post about social issues and then rarely come back to them. I just reposted on my Facebook some things from last year about human trafficking. It is nice when we pay attention to these issues...but they don't go away when we stop talking about them. There are individuals, groups, and resources set in place for all these causes...they want to keep you in the know. They don't want us to forget about so many people that are forgotten about everyday. I know we can't always donate to these causes...but we can do our part by reminding people that they still exist and continue to educate others.
I forget that all I have to do is get online and I will be in a position to help...even in the smallest way. I don't want people to forget...yet I often do myself. I forget that I want human trafficking to stop and I forget that I want North Korea to be liberated, I forget that I hate censorship and book banning, I forget that I support gay marriage and equality, I forget that I want to promote what Pro Choice truly means, I forget that I want to educate more people about domestic violence, I forget that I want to support all the friends and family of people that were deeply loved who have passed away, I forget that I want to feed the hungry, I forget that I want to...save the world. Yes...I admit it...in the midst of my fortunate life...I forget that I want to help others. Saving the world is such a huge task...but if I could I would! In my heart, heck, I am one hell of a hero.
In the real world I am a working mom, with a family that has fairly normal attachment issues. They really enjoy my company...which is nice. I support ALL of my 10 year old's extracurricular activities (day and night), and I try too keep my husband company when I can, ohhh and I also try too actually have a social life. I spent many years occupying every waking moment of free time that I had volunteering to do whatever I could to help others. I loved it...absolutely loved it. Then it turned into, do I love it or do I love the acknowledgement? Then it turned into, does my family love it? I took two big realizations away from those questions. The first was that more time with my family is awesome and the second was that it's ok if volunteering makes me feel good about myself. I can accept that I want to be the hero...in the end that's not such a bad thing. I want to educate people. I want people to feel better. I want people to be nicer to each other. And, I can admit it, in the end I want to feel better about myself. I have balanced it out...I pulled back from the excessive volunteering and spend more time with my loved ones. I devote a set amount of time to causes and activities that give back to others just as much as I put in for myself.
Actually there was a third realization that I made...when you have issues...we all have issues...but when you have quite a few things that are not so easy to deal with and you throw yourself unabashed into volunteer work, in addition to your normal life...you can easily just squash all those yucky feelings that you don't want to deal with. You make yourself feel real good inside by helping others and it helps mask whatever ugly things are festering away. The downside...one morning you wake up sobbing uncontrollably and angry at the world and you can't figure out why. You have spent the last five years living in your little bubble where you focus solely on helping others so how can you feel bad now...oh yeah...you have also spent five years ignoring any kind of real emotion concerning your own life. Yeah...that happened to me...
If you are trying to figure out where this is going...please don't...because I have no idea. At this point I am just spewing onto the screen for the sake of my own sanity. It seems that over the years I have been dealing with mental health issues...except I didn't always realize that. In the end it has been determined that I have obsessive compulsive thoughts (not actions - totally different thing) and most likely suffer from some post traumatic stress disorder (that would be thanks to a horribly dysfunctional, violent, and abusive relationship). Hmmmmm...I left that relationship years ago and moved on. I put my life back together and thrived, however, what I never did was actually deal with the years of anguish and guilt that I had stuffed inside me. I just moved on because that is what you do...you become a strong person and you deal with what life hands you. It never occurred to me that I would really need to come to terms with things...well that is until my ex died.
For those that know my story and have read my other posts you know that saga that was my ex. Well, he passed away on September 27, 2013. For those catching up...he was also my daughter's biological father. Erick, my husband is her dad through and through...my ex was never a parent to her. I left my ex when I was pregnant - but he did create her. My daughter is still not sure how to feel about it. She was not close to him and the time she spent with him was not healthy and she did not enjoy it very often. Her memories of him are not the best. Mine are mixed. Before he died ofcourse all I dwelled on where the horrible things...after he died I tried really hard to remember some nice things...and it wasn't that hard. However, his death sent me reeling in a way that I did not expect. I thought that I had forgiven him and could move on easily...WRONG! Holy cow he dies and you know what happens, I get bitch slapped right out of the nice little happy land that I had created for myself. All the lies that I had told myself about being well adjusted and how I had moved on came rushing in. The reality that I had been keeping myself busy...for years...just to avoid dealing with my past was caving in on me. The resentment that I have welled up inside is like a huge iceberg just waiting to sink the Titanic. I haven't even come close to forgiving my ex. I want to believe and feel like I am a good person who has forgiven, but I can't because I am pissed off that he died before I got #1 an apology for all the shitty crap he did too me, #2 that I didn't get the chance to really tell him off. Sure I use to tell him off when we fought but I was just as messed up as he was then. No...I wanted to get in his face and say see how awesome my life is without you. And the worst part is his dying has made me feel like crap because he died and it brought up all these horrible feelings I have about him...oh and the selfishness. Yes...I have selfish thoughts about this and it makes it even worse.
But let's skip back a couple of paragraphs to the obsessive compulsive part of my personality. My brain is on ALL the time. When you ask me a question or I have a hypothetical thought...I am off in a million directions. By the time you have asked the question I have already created 14 different scenarios in my head regarding how this situation will pan out. I can take a simple thought like, "I need to go to the grocery store", and turn it into 100 different scenarios in my head and those thoughts will snowball until I am overwhelmed. However, I can usually bring myself back from the brink before I crumble and then I leave for the store. That is my daily life, with virtually every waking thought I have. That is why I talk ALOT and ramble. That is why I am sitting here typing to clear my head.
OK back to my ex...so when he passed away not only did all these emotions pop up that I had buried but my obsessive compulsive thought process kicked in and just expanded every emotion I had until they popped like the Hindenburg. In my time I have learned to not express these things because I break down...I mean I have serious earth shattering break downs that are well ugly and no one wants to see that. My temper these days is pretty good, but the fuse is shorter and I am really trying to stuff that down. I have yet to go back to my counselor because I felt like it was just a lot of her shaking her head and nodding. Well I can talk and talk or write and write for hours for free and express the same things that I was telling her.
I don't hate my ex. His life at the end was extremely sad and I know that his own self doubt and unhappiness was way more crippling to him than any of my angry selfish thoughts. The truth was I hadn't even talked to him in almost two years when this happened. I had talked to his family, but he was just to self destructive for me to communicate with and I had to protect my daughter from who he had become. I do wish that he had been less selfish. All the way up to the end he pointed the finger at everyone else and could never accept that he needed major major help. The only times that I ever saw him remorseful were times when he was trying to get you to feel bad for him. Even his self deprecation was used to manipulate people. It was a sad ending for a sad person. The selfish part of me came out after his death because I had not dealt with my own demons.
I would get to the point of this but I don't really have one. I am just clearing my head. I guess the point is that I saw old posts about supporting causes and it made me think about the volunteer work I stopped after my ex shot himself because I decided I really needed to do some of my own healing and wanted to devote myself to my family more.
I was looking back over things that I have posted about in the past and realized that I like to post about social issues and then rarely come back to them. I just reposted on my Facebook some things from last year about human trafficking. It is nice when we pay attention to these issues...but they don't go away when we stop talking about them. There are individuals, groups, and resources set in place for all these causes...they want to keep you in the know. They don't want us to forget about so many people that are forgotten about everyday. I know we can't always donate to these causes...but we can do our part by reminding people that they still exist and continue to educate others.
I forget that all I have to do is get online and I will be in a position to help...even in the smallest way. I don't want people to forget...yet I often do myself. I forget that I want human trafficking to stop and I forget that I want North Korea to be liberated, I forget that I hate censorship and book banning, I forget that I support gay marriage and equality, I forget that I want to promote what Pro Choice truly means, I forget that I want to educate more people about domestic violence, I forget that I want to support all the friends and family of people that were deeply loved who have passed away, I forget that I want to feed the hungry, I forget that I want to...save the world. Yes...I admit it...in the midst of my fortunate life...I forget that I want to help others. Saving the world is such a huge task...but if I could I would! In my heart, heck, I am one hell of a hero.
In the real world I am a working mom, with a family that has fairly normal attachment issues. They really enjoy my company...which is nice. I support ALL of my 10 year old's extracurricular activities (day and night), and I try too keep my husband company when I can, ohhh and I also try too actually have a social life. I spent many years occupying every waking moment of free time that I had volunteering to do whatever I could to help others. I loved it...absolutely loved it. Then it turned into, do I love it or do I love the acknowledgement? Then it turned into, does my family love it? I took two big realizations away from those questions. The first was that more time with my family is awesome and the second was that it's ok if volunteering makes me feel good about myself. I can accept that I want to be the hero...in the end that's not such a bad thing. I want to educate people. I want people to feel better. I want people to be nicer to each other. And, I can admit it, in the end I want to feel better about myself. I have balanced it out...I pulled back from the excessive volunteering and spend more time with my loved ones. I devote a set amount of time to causes and activities that give back to others just as much as I put in for myself.
Actually there was a third realization that I made...when you have issues...we all have issues...but when you have quite a few things that are not so easy to deal with and you throw yourself unabashed into volunteer work, in addition to your normal life...you can easily just squash all those yucky feelings that you don't want to deal with. You make yourself feel real good inside by helping others and it helps mask whatever ugly things are festering away. The downside...one morning you wake up sobbing uncontrollably and angry at the world and you can't figure out why. You have spent the last five years living in your little bubble where you focus solely on helping others so how can you feel bad now...oh yeah...you have also spent five years ignoring any kind of real emotion concerning your own life. Yeah...that happened to me...
If you are trying to figure out where this is going...please don't...because I have no idea. At this point I am just spewing onto the screen for the sake of my own sanity. It seems that over the years I have been dealing with mental health issues...except I didn't always realize that. In the end it has been determined that I have obsessive compulsive thoughts (not actions - totally different thing) and most likely suffer from some post traumatic stress disorder (that would be thanks to a horribly dysfunctional, violent, and abusive relationship). Hmmmmm...I left that relationship years ago and moved on. I put my life back together and thrived, however, what I never did was actually deal with the years of anguish and guilt that I had stuffed inside me. I just moved on because that is what you do...you become a strong person and you deal with what life hands you. It never occurred to me that I would really need to come to terms with things...well that is until my ex died.
For those that know my story and have read my other posts you know that saga that was my ex. Well, he passed away on September 27, 2013. For those catching up...he was also my daughter's biological father. Erick, my husband is her dad through and through...my ex was never a parent to her. I left my ex when I was pregnant - but he did create her. My daughter is still not sure how to feel about it. She was not close to him and the time she spent with him was not healthy and she did not enjoy it very often. Her memories of him are not the best. Mine are mixed. Before he died ofcourse all I dwelled on where the horrible things...after he died I tried really hard to remember some nice things...and it wasn't that hard. However, his death sent me reeling in a way that I did not expect. I thought that I had forgiven him and could move on easily...WRONG! Holy cow he dies and you know what happens, I get bitch slapped right out of the nice little happy land that I had created for myself. All the lies that I had told myself about being well adjusted and how I had moved on came rushing in. The reality that I had been keeping myself busy...for years...just to avoid dealing with my past was caving in on me. The resentment that I have welled up inside is like a huge iceberg just waiting to sink the Titanic. I haven't even come close to forgiving my ex. I want to believe and feel like I am a good person who has forgiven, but I can't because I am pissed off that he died before I got #1 an apology for all the shitty crap he did too me, #2 that I didn't get the chance to really tell him off. Sure I use to tell him off when we fought but I was just as messed up as he was then. No...I wanted to get in his face and say see how awesome my life is without you. And the worst part is his dying has made me feel like crap because he died and it brought up all these horrible feelings I have about him...oh and the selfishness. Yes...I have selfish thoughts about this and it makes it even worse.
But let's skip back a couple of paragraphs to the obsessive compulsive part of my personality. My brain is on ALL the time. When you ask me a question or I have a hypothetical thought...I am off in a million directions. By the time you have asked the question I have already created 14 different scenarios in my head regarding how this situation will pan out. I can take a simple thought like, "I need to go to the grocery store", and turn it into 100 different scenarios in my head and those thoughts will snowball until I am overwhelmed. However, I can usually bring myself back from the brink before I crumble and then I leave for the store. That is my daily life, with virtually every waking thought I have. That is why I talk ALOT and ramble. That is why I am sitting here typing to clear my head.
OK back to my ex...so when he passed away not only did all these emotions pop up that I had buried but my obsessive compulsive thought process kicked in and just expanded every emotion I had until they popped like the Hindenburg. In my time I have learned to not express these things because I break down...I mean I have serious earth shattering break downs that are well ugly and no one wants to see that. My temper these days is pretty good, but the fuse is shorter and I am really trying to stuff that down. I have yet to go back to my counselor because I felt like it was just a lot of her shaking her head and nodding. Well I can talk and talk or write and write for hours for free and express the same things that I was telling her.
I don't hate my ex. His life at the end was extremely sad and I know that his own self doubt and unhappiness was way more crippling to him than any of my angry selfish thoughts. The truth was I hadn't even talked to him in almost two years when this happened. I had talked to his family, but he was just to self destructive for me to communicate with and I had to protect my daughter from who he had become. I do wish that he had been less selfish. All the way up to the end he pointed the finger at everyone else and could never accept that he needed major major help. The only times that I ever saw him remorseful were times when he was trying to get you to feel bad for him. Even his self deprecation was used to manipulate people. It was a sad ending for a sad person. The selfish part of me came out after his death because I had not dealt with my own demons.
I would get to the point of this but I don't really have one. I am just clearing my head. I guess the point is that I saw old posts about supporting causes and it made me think about the volunteer work I stopped after my ex shot himself because I decided I really needed to do some of my own healing and wanted to devote myself to my family more.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Censorship...
Yesterday on my facebook I posted this article:
http://www.svherald.com/content/sierra-vista-news/2013/09/12/359300
I admittedly have issues with the lady that brought this issue before the school board. My opinion, which I am allowed to express, is that she has divisive, political motivations for almost everything that she does. I think that she is a close minded neo-con...and it isn't just this issue that brings me to that conclusion. Whatever the case may be, I have my own mind and the right to post my own thoughts on my own page. I was not making allegations...I was stating an opinion...as I do many times when I post on facebook.
I had a friend who was commenting on the post. We both had a differing view, but supported each other's views and understand that we can be friends and sometimes have differing views. I appreciated and respected everything that she posted. She made clear points that made complete sense and was related directly to the topic at hand. She is a good friend and I love that we can express different views in an educated manner and still respect each other. That is how it should be.
Later that night I received a horribly rude and insulting PM on facebook from someone who is mutual friends with the lady that went to the school board in the article above. This message was not just rude and insulting it was threatening. She attempted to attack my character in ways that crossed lines that I would never think to do. She is entitled to her opinion of the situation and is entitled to her opinion of me as well. I have no problem with wanting to defend her friend's position, but this was not in defense of her friend at all. This was a pure bully move and the ways that she attacked my character were not opinions of me, they were threats. However, I found it a true testament to this person's character that she didn't have the guts to post her message on the thread that my friend and I were actively talking on. After I got this message, I took down the post. Not out of fear, but because I did not want to drag my friend that was commenting to get dragged into anything unnecessary.
I then told another friend about what happened this morning and she reminded me that I should not have to take down anything that I post on my own wall and that I shouldn't feel bullied by other people to remove my opinion. I had already decided to blog about this topic...but this just compelled me even more.
So I am going to post my blog about censorship. This is not going to be just about the above situation. I do want people to know the back story of what compelled me to write today. I was already planning on writing about censorship and banned books and was going to post it on September 22, which is the start of Banned Book week. Given yesterday's events I am doing it now.
Most people that know me, know that I am against censorship and book banning. I have a note that I wrote a few years ago that I post every year. Perhaps next year I will start re-posting this blog entry. I realize that there are many arguments over what our children should be exposed to or not exposed to. I find them to be relevant arguments until the censorship starts to equate to taking away parental rights or any rights for that matter. In the article above the Superintendent clearly states that, yes they should have reviewed the books better and advised the parents of the content and allowed the parents the option to choose an alternative read for their child. They do not want to start banning books. That I agree with. I feel that to blatantly just remove a book from an approved curriculum list because you personally don't agree with it is censorship. Ofcourse, if you have such little faith in your parenting skills and the morals and standards that you have been instilling in your children since birth than by all means feel free to remove any free thought from the education process. If you truly believe that reading some pages from a book or listening to an inappropriate song is what is going to be the downfall of your teenage son or daughter perhaps you should lock them in a box until they are 18 and then just spring the world on them then. I find it obtrusive to not give parents more credit in their ability to raise their children.
I understand that not everyone parents the same way and that unfortunately some children get a raw deal when it comes to the people that raise them. Children's moral values are already instilled in them by the time they are in high school. I understand the argument of peer pressure and of teenagers still not being mature enough to handle certain situations. I don't understand the argument, that a passage from a book is going to deter the complete moral core of the student body. I don't understand the people that don't want to educate their children on the real world and the injustices that happen to others through censorship. I don't understand not giving me, as a parent Many of the same people that support book banning are extreme neo-con's with hypocritical fundamental religious beliefs. Yes, those are certainly the people that I want making decisions for my child. (I hope you could smell the sarcasm in that.)
I don't want anyone taking away any decision that I make for my child. I have taught my children to be open minded thinkers that are not scared to question something that they are told is wrong or right. I have taught them to not see in just black and white and I maintain an open communication with them that encourages them to tell me things that may be uncomfortable and to not fear having to ask me difficult questions.
My children have minds of their own and I don't believe in stifling that. I realize that my youngest still needs guidance and is not mature enough to handle certain situations. However, I don't discount that she can think for herself and give her the leeway to succeed or fail based on her own merits. Lessons learned are not truly learned if someone has given you all the answers and made all the decisions for you. My son is an adult now, but I took faith in his abilities, his intelligence, and the moral base that he was given by me and my parents. He judged inappropriate things based on his own perception of the situation and most of the time just took it as face value.
Censorship is what causes people to become uniform and think like everyone else. Censorship is what causes tyranny and the loss of free thought. Our children are who they are based on how they are raised and not based on what the may read or see on TV or watch in a movie. If a child is swayed that much by something they read in a book than the root of the issue is a lack of parenting and other support. Don't blame a book, a teacher, or a school board for your own parental inability or your lack of faith in your parenting. The world is full of things worse than what you read in a book. Give your children the skills to live life successfully and don't teach them that if you disagree with something you should remove it altogether. How are they going to get through life with that philosophy. If you don't agree with something find a reasonable alternative...don't pull out everything you have to turn a community against something. The unfortunate thing in small close minded situations is that when the censorship flag is raised their are so many people standing up to keep it flying. People jump on a bandwagon because they believe that they are looking out for the interest of our children. The bigger picture is that people that stand up and call out for something to be censored for their child will also do the same thing in other situations.
In hindsight I realize that the person who sent me the nasty message was in her own way trying to censor me and I fell for it by removing my post. Granted I removed it to keep other people's names out of the mix, but just the fact that they made me question my right to post my opinion is a small victory for her.
I do want to acknowledge one thing that my friend had stated on my page. She said that she believes that children should be provided sex education and not sex encouragement. That I agree with and understand her view. Her view is as a good parent and I take no fault with parents that are genuinely concerned with what happens in their child's classroom.
I will never side with people who blatantly cause disruption within in a school and call for censorship in order to benefit their own agenda and then disguise it as "parental concern" in order to reach another platform. Which is what is going on in the article above. All you have to do is look at the links that were provided in the comments section of the article. If you have a problem with the new statewide curriculum and want to bring about change than take on a different approach and don't target one book and one teacher as your platform to get rid of the new state curriculum. I called it a witch hunt yesterday for a specific reason. A witch hunt is something that is used to cause moral panic or mass hysteria and I truly believe that is what she is trying to do. She hopes that she can cause this panic in order to push people towards her true agenda which is the new curriculum. I find no fault with trying to point out faults in the new curriculum, but there are many other ways than this way. I don't believe that there is anything more morally corrupt about our high school than any other high school in America. She is hoping for a national story and she may get it if she pushes for more censorship.
My mother in law reminded me last night that when she talks to people about censorship the first thing she brings up is that the first thing the Nazi's did was ban books. I will add to that the next thing they did was target intellectuals that did not have the same like mind as them.
We need to keep encouraging our children to be free thinkers and not fall into that pigeon hole full of judgmental thought and action. We need to give our children praise and recognition when they discern for themselves (based on the moral base that we as parents have provided) what is inappropriate. We need to recognize that they need that room to make those decisions.
This is the note that I post on my facebook every year for Banned Books and this is the summation of my thoughts.
"I have so many thoughts on this topic. Censorship makes me ill and, in my eyes, book banning is on the top of that list. Don't use bureaucracy and censorship to raise your children. If you aren't hands on enough with your own children to teach them boundaries or instill some type of moral code in them, then you shouldn't have children. Don't let your inability stifle my child. I believe that my kids have the sense to question me about things that they see, hear, or read that they don't understand and I trust the values I have shown to my children. I don't overtly expose them to things that are not age inappropriate, but I certainly don't shield them from the world. The world is filled with millions of differing thoughts, views, and cultures. As a parent I want my child to be prepared for that world...not be ignorant or naive to it. Those are my views on censoring books for kids.
Banned Books Week is September 22-28, 2013 - Here is a link to that and to the ALA.
http://www.bannedbooksweek.org/
http://www.ala.org/advocacy/banned
http://ncac.org/Kids-Right-to-Read
http://www.svherald.com/content/sierra-vista-news/2013/09/12/359300
I admittedly have issues with the lady that brought this issue before the school board. My opinion, which I am allowed to express, is that she has divisive, political motivations for almost everything that she does. I think that she is a close minded neo-con...and it isn't just this issue that brings me to that conclusion. Whatever the case may be, I have my own mind and the right to post my own thoughts on my own page. I was not making allegations...I was stating an opinion...as I do many times when I post on facebook.
I had a friend who was commenting on the post. We both had a differing view, but supported each other's views and understand that we can be friends and sometimes have differing views. I appreciated and respected everything that she posted. She made clear points that made complete sense and was related directly to the topic at hand. She is a good friend and I love that we can express different views in an educated manner and still respect each other. That is how it should be.
Later that night I received a horribly rude and insulting PM on facebook from someone who is mutual friends with the lady that went to the school board in the article above. This message was not just rude and insulting it was threatening. She attempted to attack my character in ways that crossed lines that I would never think to do. She is entitled to her opinion of the situation and is entitled to her opinion of me as well. I have no problem with wanting to defend her friend's position, but this was not in defense of her friend at all. This was a pure bully move and the ways that she attacked my character were not opinions of me, they were threats. However, I found it a true testament to this person's character that she didn't have the guts to post her message on the thread that my friend and I were actively talking on. After I got this message, I took down the post. Not out of fear, but because I did not want to drag my friend that was commenting to get dragged into anything unnecessary.
I then told another friend about what happened this morning and she reminded me that I should not have to take down anything that I post on my own wall and that I shouldn't feel bullied by other people to remove my opinion. I had already decided to blog about this topic...but this just compelled me even more.
So I am going to post my blog about censorship. This is not going to be just about the above situation. I do want people to know the back story of what compelled me to write today. I was already planning on writing about censorship and banned books and was going to post it on September 22, which is the start of Banned Book week. Given yesterday's events I am doing it now.
Most people that know me, know that I am against censorship and book banning. I have a note that I wrote a few years ago that I post every year. Perhaps next year I will start re-posting this blog entry. I realize that there are many arguments over what our children should be exposed to or not exposed to. I find them to be relevant arguments until the censorship starts to equate to taking away parental rights or any rights for that matter. In the article above the Superintendent clearly states that, yes they should have reviewed the books better and advised the parents of the content and allowed the parents the option to choose an alternative read for their child. They do not want to start banning books. That I agree with. I feel that to blatantly just remove a book from an approved curriculum list because you personally don't agree with it is censorship. Ofcourse, if you have such little faith in your parenting skills and the morals and standards that you have been instilling in your children since birth than by all means feel free to remove any free thought from the education process. If you truly believe that reading some pages from a book or listening to an inappropriate song is what is going to be the downfall of your teenage son or daughter perhaps you should lock them in a box until they are 18 and then just spring the world on them then. I find it obtrusive to not give parents more credit in their ability to raise their children.
I understand that not everyone parents the same way and that unfortunately some children get a raw deal when it comes to the people that raise them. Children's moral values are already instilled in them by the time they are in high school. I understand the argument of peer pressure and of teenagers still not being mature enough to handle certain situations. I don't understand the argument, that a passage from a book is going to deter the complete moral core of the student body. I don't understand the people that don't want to educate their children on the real world and the injustices that happen to others through censorship. I don't understand not giving me, as a parent Many of the same people that support book banning are extreme neo-con's with hypocritical fundamental religious beliefs. Yes, those are certainly the people that I want making decisions for my child. (I hope you could smell the sarcasm in that.)
I don't want anyone taking away any decision that I make for my child. I have taught my children to be open minded thinkers that are not scared to question something that they are told is wrong or right. I have taught them to not see in just black and white and I maintain an open communication with them that encourages them to tell me things that may be uncomfortable and to not fear having to ask me difficult questions.
My children have minds of their own and I don't believe in stifling that. I realize that my youngest still needs guidance and is not mature enough to handle certain situations. However, I don't discount that she can think for herself and give her the leeway to succeed or fail based on her own merits. Lessons learned are not truly learned if someone has given you all the answers and made all the decisions for you. My son is an adult now, but I took faith in his abilities, his intelligence, and the moral base that he was given by me and my parents. He judged inappropriate things based on his own perception of the situation and most of the time just took it as face value.
Censorship is what causes people to become uniform and think like everyone else. Censorship is what causes tyranny and the loss of free thought. Our children are who they are based on how they are raised and not based on what the may read or see on TV or watch in a movie. If a child is swayed that much by something they read in a book than the root of the issue is a lack of parenting and other support. Don't blame a book, a teacher, or a school board for your own parental inability or your lack of faith in your parenting. The world is full of things worse than what you read in a book. Give your children the skills to live life successfully and don't teach them that if you disagree with something you should remove it altogether. How are they going to get through life with that philosophy. If you don't agree with something find a reasonable alternative...don't pull out everything you have to turn a community against something. The unfortunate thing in small close minded situations is that when the censorship flag is raised their are so many people standing up to keep it flying. People jump on a bandwagon because they believe that they are looking out for the interest of our children. The bigger picture is that people that stand up and call out for something to be censored for their child will also do the same thing in other situations.
In hindsight I realize that the person who sent me the nasty message was in her own way trying to censor me and I fell for it by removing my post. Granted I removed it to keep other people's names out of the mix, but just the fact that they made me question my right to post my opinion is a small victory for her.
I do want to acknowledge one thing that my friend had stated on my page. She said that she believes that children should be provided sex education and not sex encouragement. That I agree with and understand her view. Her view is as a good parent and I take no fault with parents that are genuinely concerned with what happens in their child's classroom.
I will never side with people who blatantly cause disruption within in a school and call for censorship in order to benefit their own agenda and then disguise it as "parental concern" in order to reach another platform. Which is what is going on in the article above. All you have to do is look at the links that were provided in the comments section of the article. If you have a problem with the new statewide curriculum and want to bring about change than take on a different approach and don't target one book and one teacher as your platform to get rid of the new state curriculum. I called it a witch hunt yesterday for a specific reason. A witch hunt is something that is used to cause moral panic or mass hysteria and I truly believe that is what she is trying to do. She hopes that she can cause this panic in order to push people towards her true agenda which is the new curriculum. I find no fault with trying to point out faults in the new curriculum, but there are many other ways than this way. I don't believe that there is anything more morally corrupt about our high school than any other high school in America. She is hoping for a national story and she may get it if she pushes for more censorship.
My mother in law reminded me last night that when she talks to people about censorship the first thing she brings up is that the first thing the Nazi's did was ban books. I will add to that the next thing they did was target intellectuals that did not have the same like mind as them.
We need to keep encouraging our children to be free thinkers and not fall into that pigeon hole full of judgmental thought and action. We need to give our children praise and recognition when they discern for themselves (based on the moral base that we as parents have provided) what is inappropriate. We need to recognize that they need that room to make those decisions.
This is the note that I post on my facebook every year for Banned Books and this is the summation of my thoughts.
"I have so many thoughts on this topic. Censorship makes me ill and, in my eyes, book banning is on the top of that list. Don't use bureaucracy and censorship to raise your children. If you aren't hands on enough with your own children to teach them boundaries or instill some type of moral code in them, then you shouldn't have children. Don't let your inability stifle my child. I believe that my kids have the sense to question me about things that they see, hear, or read that they don't understand and I trust the values I have shown to my children. I don't overtly expose them to things that are not age inappropriate, but I certainly don't shield them from the world. The world is filled with millions of differing thoughts, views, and cultures. As a parent I want my child to be prepared for that world...not be ignorant or naive to it. Those are my views on censoring books for kids.
Now if you are an adult and think that there is any book out there for adults that should be banned you are a complete moron. If as a grown man or woman you can't formulate your own thoughts enough to recognize that certain pieces of literature may not be for you then you need help. If you are so full of hatred, bigotry, or intolerance that you think books that go against anything you believe in shouldn't be written...there is no help for you...your ignorance has killed your braincells anyway. Censorship breeds ignorance, ignorance breeds intolerance, and intolerance breeds hatred. If you don't like something don't read it and leave my free will ALONE!!!"
http://www.bannedbooksweek.org/
http://www.ala.org/advocacy/banned
http://ncac.org/Kids-Right-to-Read
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Abuse...we shouldn't ignore it!
My daughter is in California for 10 days and I find that I have a little more time on my hand than normal...so I have some time to write. I recently read a book called "Shattered". It is the first book in a 3 part series called, "Passage Through Hell". The author is Lori Choman and the books are about her life. Her life as a severely abused child and what comes after surviving a childhood like that.
https://www.facebook.com/PassageThroughHell
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DD041AE
I have had the chance to friend Lori online and express my appreciation for sharing her story. Her book is very straightforward and will make you cry, but knowing that she is a survivor now with a loving family of her own and sharing her story makes it easier to read. Also, her story does something else, it sheds light on what child abuse looks like and casts light on the changes society has slowly been making. That is why I am recommending this book. Lori isn't sharing her story so that we read it and feel bad, she is sharing it so that it will help others. I have also learned that sharing your story and not hiding from it or letting the shame take over is sooo healing. Support Lori and others by sharing her story!!
It is easy for us as a society to forget that 30 years ago child abuse was not looked at the way it is today. It is also easy for us to forget that abuse of any sort is still the well kept secret that many families and couples hide. When you read Lori's story you hear first hand how people turned their backs instead of helping her, including the police, teachers, neighbors, and her own family. The truth is that for centuries cultures all over the world made child abuse an acceptable norm. It was not considered abuse then and it is sad how long it has taken society to recognize how human beings should be treated. We all know that abuse within families still exists. Child abuse and domestic violence are unfortunately still rampant. The upside is there are now laws and help for people and it is not socially acceptable anymore. The downside there are still many people that turn the other way when they see someone that needs help, especially when it is a child with their parents. We feel like it isn't our business. We should ask ourselves when should we speak up or when should we call the police?
I realize that many people still debate what they consider abuse, but I am talking about behavior that unless you are a sociopath, you know is WRONG. I know there is a huge debate over spanking and I do not want to take this blog down that path. There is no debate over punching or kicking your children. I believe that just as with domestic violence it is the same with children. Mental and verbal abuse is just as detrimental, and in many cases worse. A childhood of being demeaned and insulted stays with you. Many people don't look at emotional abuse the same way as physical abuse, but it is just as damaging.
The one thing that keeps playing over in my head from Lori's book is that if you see a child who cries but never makes any noise they are most likely abused. Severely abused children learn not to make any noise or the beating will be worse. If you see a child who cries silently they may need help.
http://childabuseprevention.org/
http://www.preventchildabuse.org/index.php
I realize that the system is still not the best when it comes to protecting children and many children still fall through the cracks. I realize that many people don't like to get involved and it is not an easy decision. You can support organizations who help prevent abuse, you can help others educate themselves. And if you feel like there is a child who needs help call someone who can help them. Do not confront the parents as that may make the child's situation worse. There are agencies you can call that can help you determine what you should do. The Internet is a wonderful tool. Look up a local organization that may be able to give you information that will help. You don't have to feel like you should call Child Protective Service or the Police. You may just need information to help you understand the situation. There are programs that can help if you feel there is a child that needs help. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or mental. As a society we should speak up for the ones that don't always have a voice.
https://www.facebook.com/PassageThroughHell
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DD041AE
I have had the chance to friend Lori online and express my appreciation for sharing her story. Her book is very straightforward and will make you cry, but knowing that she is a survivor now with a loving family of her own and sharing her story makes it easier to read. Also, her story does something else, it sheds light on what child abuse looks like and casts light on the changes society has slowly been making. That is why I am recommending this book. Lori isn't sharing her story so that we read it and feel bad, she is sharing it so that it will help others. I have also learned that sharing your story and not hiding from it or letting the shame take over is sooo healing. Support Lori and others by sharing her story!!
It is easy for us as a society to forget that 30 years ago child abuse was not looked at the way it is today. It is also easy for us to forget that abuse of any sort is still the well kept secret that many families and couples hide. When you read Lori's story you hear first hand how people turned their backs instead of helping her, including the police, teachers, neighbors, and her own family. The truth is that for centuries cultures all over the world made child abuse an acceptable norm. It was not considered abuse then and it is sad how long it has taken society to recognize how human beings should be treated. We all know that abuse within families still exists. Child abuse and domestic violence are unfortunately still rampant. The upside is there are now laws and help for people and it is not socially acceptable anymore. The downside there are still many people that turn the other way when they see someone that needs help, especially when it is a child with their parents. We feel like it isn't our business. We should ask ourselves when should we speak up or when should we call the police?
I realize that many people still debate what they consider abuse, but I am talking about behavior that unless you are a sociopath, you know is WRONG. I know there is a huge debate over spanking and I do not want to take this blog down that path. There is no debate over punching or kicking your children. I believe that just as with domestic violence it is the same with children. Mental and verbal abuse is just as detrimental, and in many cases worse. A childhood of being demeaned and insulted stays with you. Many people don't look at emotional abuse the same way as physical abuse, but it is just as damaging.
The one thing that keeps playing over in my head from Lori's book is that if you see a child who cries but never makes any noise they are most likely abused. Severely abused children learn not to make any noise or the beating will be worse. If you see a child who cries silently they may need help.
http://childabuseprevention.org/
http://www.preventchildabuse.org/index.php
I realize that the system is still not the best when it comes to protecting children and many children still fall through the cracks. I realize that many people don't like to get involved and it is not an easy decision. You can support organizations who help prevent abuse, you can help others educate themselves. And if you feel like there is a child who needs help call someone who can help them. Do not confront the parents as that may make the child's situation worse. There are agencies you can call that can help you determine what you should do. The Internet is a wonderful tool. Look up a local organization that may be able to give you information that will help. You don't have to feel like you should call Child Protective Service or the Police. You may just need information to help you understand the situation. There are programs that can help if you feel there is a child that needs help. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or mental. As a society we should speak up for the ones that don't always have a voice.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
OK...I'm ready to listen to a discussion about gun control...
Friday our country lost 20 innocent children and 6 heroic adults to a sick disturbed individual. I posted that I was hesitant to get into all the political chatter and have vigorously pointed out my distaste for the media coverage. After some online conversing with other friends across the country, and after reading an unending amount of posts, I realize that yes...this is the time to discuss gun control.
Here is where I am at with this topic...I have no idea what the answer is. I feel that both sides have points to consider and that both sides have some extremist views that are unrealistic. Right now what I am reading and seeing, seem to be the extremist versions of both sides, because in the heat of the moment, everyone is giving their passionate views and also their hateful views. I have read that everyone should arm themselves and shoot to kill any threat and I have read that anyone that owns a gun is vile devils spawn and should consider themselves just as responsible for this tragedy. Please explain to me how either of those statements will keep this from happening again.
So...I am admitting I don't have a solution, but I am ready to listen to a discussion about gun control. Not a political mud slinging lobbyist point of view, not a hateful human bashing session, but a rational discussion. A discussion that results in actual ideas and not more hateful discord.
Here is where I stand, I don't believe any personal individual needs an assault weapon for any reason. I believe that people should have to take classes and endure a lenghty application process to own a gun. I believe that our country is lacking in mental health treatment and that mass shootings are a culmination of several individual factors in the shooters lives that we have limited control over. I believe that we should be paying attention to everyday gun violence and not just being concerned when a psycho goes on a rampage. I have read statistics that state somewhere between 46-80 people a day are shot and killed in our country. I don't know the statistics on how many of those shootings involve people that can legally own a gun or not. I have read that in mass shootings 80% of the shooters can legally own a gun. In fact here is a link with some statistics about mass shootings and an article I read earlier...
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map
http://abcnews.go.com/ABC_Univision/News/mass-shootings-rise-us/t/story?id=17978004
After reading these it made me realize that my view about criminals getting guns doesn't really have much to do with the mass shootings. I do believe that the daily shootings that take place that we never discuss are more likely to be committed by people who do not legally own guns, however mass shootings does not fall into that category.
I do not know what should be done to improve gun control...I don't believe that guns should be outlawed, but I do believe in gun control. I believe that everyone should educate themselves. Even people that don't own guns. I believe people on both sides need to open their minds and look at the other moderate side of the issue. I am not advocating for extremists on either side. I was taught how to shoot a rifle when I was 11. I had to take two classes before I even touched a rifle and I know how to safely handle a gun. I haven't owned a gun since I was in my early 20's and I am a convicted felon so I cannot and will never be able to legally own a gun. I do however know what to teach my daughter in regards to gun safety. Here is the thing...you may not have guns in your home, but you need to teach your children safety for circumstances that may arise outside of your home. The golden rule of Do Not Play With Guns should be a standard.
All the kids who were in the class of 90 with me went to school with a girl who's older brother shot and killed her younger brother on accident...she was not a poplular girl and many people didn't know her, but my family was friends with her family. That family suffered two horrible losses. They actually lost both of their sons that day. The one who was killed and the one who was at the other end of a tragic accident. Even in the 80's when this happened, the amount of debate that overshadowed her brother's death was horrible. It took away from her families ability to grieve correctly and left them angry and bitter. The older brother remains deeply emotionally disturbed to this day. They deserved a few moments of peace for their son's and all they got was criticism and hateful comments. It was horrible. I believe that my distaste for the media coverage relating to victims stems from that experience in my life. I don't want the rampage of political discussions to take away from the beautiful lives that need to be mourned and remembered.
And please do not engage me in a debate over the story that I just related...you are missing the point completely if you feel that you need to express your opinion about gun control in regards to the paragraph above.
We were taught that guns are not toys. My dad kept all his rifles locked up with trigger locks on them. The respect that I was taught to have for a gun is still heavily ingrained in me and is being taught to my daughter. I know many responsible gun owners who do not advocate against gun control. Most of the gun owners that I know pass on more education than is realized. I believe that people need to at least look at the other side in order to come up with relevant ideas pertaining to gun control. The issue goes beyond gun owners and non gun owners. It is about how we as humans should treat each other and react to each other. Civilization as we know it was born of violence and made from violence...sadly we cannot revert back to a "peaceful" society, because we've never lived in a peaceful society. All we can do is figure out how to identify and manage the elements that cause the violence. Society as a whole has been going through a trial and error process of this for thousands of years.
I believe that our countries legal system needs to be held a bit more accountable for things that happen when it comes to crimes committed with guns. A real discussion regarding gun control needs to not just be about the random mass shootings, but about everyday gun violence. The majority of which I would say is committed during another criminal act. I know first hand how the legal system has failed in that respect. My ex, who is a violent convicted felon has been picked up numerous times on "prohibited possessor charges and the charges have been dropped. The one time the charges stuck he was placed on probation. During his three years of probation he was arrested numerous times for having a "deadly weapon" and was let go every fucking time. All the while he was abusing me at home. Do you know how many times I wished they would have kept him in jail and he got out the next day. It was a nightmare.
He is currently in jail for aggravated assault and being a prohibited possessor...he has 5 felony counts against him and has finally been indicted by a grand jury. I am hopeful that it sticks this time. If that happens and he is convicted than I will file to have his rights revoked. I cannot move forward with anything until I know that he has been convicted and sent to prison though. If he is just put on probation again and I file a petition with the court than I have to worry about his retaliation. He has become more and more unstable over the years. I am faced with the real life dilemma of defending myself against him if he is not in prison. The system has failed on numerous occasions...if it fails this time how do I defend myself against a violent felon who has no regard for gun laws. I am a non-violent felon who follows the gun laws and have no way to defend myself from him if he was to come after me with a gun. My husband has every right to defend us, but I do not. How does that scenario work out in everybody's debate on gun control? If my ex does not go to prison, I will probably not file the petition to revoke his rights, just based on the fear of retaliation. All I need is for him to be convicted and I will have the ground to file, but if he is convicted and placed on probation and not sent to prison, than I have no protection from him once he finds out. NONE!!! Tell me how the system and gun control are going to help me then.
The system does not work and it is scary because no matter what regulations are in place you cannot get rid of the evil out there. It frustrates me because when I look at these mass shootings I don't see just the guns that the people used...I see the individuals that will not be stopped for any reason. How do you stop that?Perhaps we can put up barriers and deterrents, but we have to fix the system. We have to have a better legal system, a better victim's advocate system, better screening for gun owners and a better mental health care system. We need to communicate better as a society and speak up more before tragedy happens and not just after it happens. Shootings related to domestic violence happen more than tragic mass shootings...they are everyday occurrences...why aren't we talking about them everyday. If you want to talk about shootings than talk about them all!! We should not place more value over a life just because you didn't read about it in the paper or see it on TV.
Another reason I dislike the media coverage...they project the killer into infamy and forget the victims. How many other killers have been mentioned over the last few days. Other mass shooters are being re-hashed, but has anyone re-released all the names of the previous victims? Even when people talk about the horrible shooting in Tucson you talk about Gabby, Christina, Gabe, and Judge Roll...but you never hear about Dorothy, Phyliss, or Dorwan. They were just your regular neighbors...they were all in their 60's and 70's, and there is no reason that we shouldn't remember them as well.
I realize that my blog is rambling and I haven't truly drawn any conclusions...but this is my part of the discussion. I would like to be part of the rational discussion. I would like to listen to your discussion...this is how we start, by listening and not badgering others...
I am ready to listen...
Here is where I am at with this topic...I have no idea what the answer is. I feel that both sides have points to consider and that both sides have some extremist views that are unrealistic. Right now what I am reading and seeing, seem to be the extremist versions of both sides, because in the heat of the moment, everyone is giving their passionate views and also their hateful views. I have read that everyone should arm themselves and shoot to kill any threat and I have read that anyone that owns a gun is vile devils spawn and should consider themselves just as responsible for this tragedy. Please explain to me how either of those statements will keep this from happening again.
So...I am admitting I don't have a solution, but I am ready to listen to a discussion about gun control. Not a political mud slinging lobbyist point of view, not a hateful human bashing session, but a rational discussion. A discussion that results in actual ideas and not more hateful discord.
Here is where I stand, I don't believe any personal individual needs an assault weapon for any reason. I believe that people should have to take classes and endure a lenghty application process to own a gun. I believe that our country is lacking in mental health treatment and that mass shootings are a culmination of several individual factors in the shooters lives that we have limited control over. I believe that we should be paying attention to everyday gun violence and not just being concerned when a psycho goes on a rampage. I have read statistics that state somewhere between 46-80 people a day are shot and killed in our country. I don't know the statistics on how many of those shootings involve people that can legally own a gun or not. I have read that in mass shootings 80% of the shooters can legally own a gun. In fact here is a link with some statistics about mass shootings and an article I read earlier...
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map
http://abcnews.go.com/ABC_Univision/News/mass-shootings-rise-us/t/story?id=17978004
After reading these it made me realize that my view about criminals getting guns doesn't really have much to do with the mass shootings. I do believe that the daily shootings that take place that we never discuss are more likely to be committed by people who do not legally own guns, however mass shootings does not fall into that category.
I do not know what should be done to improve gun control...I don't believe that guns should be outlawed, but I do believe in gun control. I believe that everyone should educate themselves. Even people that don't own guns. I believe people on both sides need to open their minds and look at the other moderate side of the issue. I am not advocating for extremists on either side. I was taught how to shoot a rifle when I was 11. I had to take two classes before I even touched a rifle and I know how to safely handle a gun. I haven't owned a gun since I was in my early 20's and I am a convicted felon so I cannot and will never be able to legally own a gun. I do however know what to teach my daughter in regards to gun safety. Here is the thing...you may not have guns in your home, but you need to teach your children safety for circumstances that may arise outside of your home. The golden rule of Do Not Play With Guns should be a standard.
All the kids who were in the class of 90 with me went to school with a girl who's older brother shot and killed her younger brother on accident...she was not a poplular girl and many people didn't know her, but my family was friends with her family. That family suffered two horrible losses. They actually lost both of their sons that day. The one who was killed and the one who was at the other end of a tragic accident. Even in the 80's when this happened, the amount of debate that overshadowed her brother's death was horrible. It took away from her families ability to grieve correctly and left them angry and bitter. The older brother remains deeply emotionally disturbed to this day. They deserved a few moments of peace for their son's and all they got was criticism and hateful comments. It was horrible. I believe that my distaste for the media coverage relating to victims stems from that experience in my life. I don't want the rampage of political discussions to take away from the beautiful lives that need to be mourned and remembered.
And please do not engage me in a debate over the story that I just related...you are missing the point completely if you feel that you need to express your opinion about gun control in regards to the paragraph above.
We were taught that guns are not toys. My dad kept all his rifles locked up with trigger locks on them. The respect that I was taught to have for a gun is still heavily ingrained in me and is being taught to my daughter. I know many responsible gun owners who do not advocate against gun control. Most of the gun owners that I know pass on more education than is realized. I believe that people need to at least look at the other side in order to come up with relevant ideas pertaining to gun control. The issue goes beyond gun owners and non gun owners. It is about how we as humans should treat each other and react to each other. Civilization as we know it was born of violence and made from violence...sadly we cannot revert back to a "peaceful" society, because we've never lived in a peaceful society. All we can do is figure out how to identify and manage the elements that cause the violence. Society as a whole has been going through a trial and error process of this for thousands of years.
I believe that our countries legal system needs to be held a bit more accountable for things that happen when it comes to crimes committed with guns. A real discussion regarding gun control needs to not just be about the random mass shootings, but about everyday gun violence. The majority of which I would say is committed during another criminal act. I know first hand how the legal system has failed in that respect. My ex, who is a violent convicted felon has been picked up numerous times on "prohibited possessor charges and the charges have been dropped. The one time the charges stuck he was placed on probation. During his three years of probation he was arrested numerous times for having a "deadly weapon" and was let go every fucking time. All the while he was abusing me at home. Do you know how many times I wished they would have kept him in jail and he got out the next day. It was a nightmare.
He is currently in jail for aggravated assault and being a prohibited possessor...he has 5 felony counts against him and has finally been indicted by a grand jury. I am hopeful that it sticks this time. If that happens and he is convicted than I will file to have his rights revoked. I cannot move forward with anything until I know that he has been convicted and sent to prison though. If he is just put on probation again and I file a petition with the court than I have to worry about his retaliation. He has become more and more unstable over the years. I am faced with the real life dilemma of defending myself against him if he is not in prison. The system has failed on numerous occasions...if it fails this time how do I defend myself against a violent felon who has no regard for gun laws. I am a non-violent felon who follows the gun laws and have no way to defend myself from him if he was to come after me with a gun. My husband has every right to defend us, but I do not. How does that scenario work out in everybody's debate on gun control? If my ex does not go to prison, I will probably not file the petition to revoke his rights, just based on the fear of retaliation. All I need is for him to be convicted and I will have the ground to file, but if he is convicted and placed on probation and not sent to prison, than I have no protection from him once he finds out. NONE!!! Tell me how the system and gun control are going to help me then.
The system does not work and it is scary because no matter what regulations are in place you cannot get rid of the evil out there. It frustrates me because when I look at these mass shootings I don't see just the guns that the people used...I see the individuals that will not be stopped for any reason. How do you stop that?Perhaps we can put up barriers and deterrents, but we have to fix the system. We have to have a better legal system, a better victim's advocate system, better screening for gun owners and a better mental health care system. We need to communicate better as a society and speak up more before tragedy happens and not just after it happens. Shootings related to domestic violence happen more than tragic mass shootings...they are everyday occurrences...why aren't we talking about them everyday. If you want to talk about shootings than talk about them all!! We should not place more value over a life just because you didn't read about it in the paper or see it on TV.
Another reason I dislike the media coverage...they project the killer into infamy and forget the victims. How many other killers have been mentioned over the last few days. Other mass shooters are being re-hashed, but has anyone re-released all the names of the previous victims? Even when people talk about the horrible shooting in Tucson you talk about Gabby, Christina, Gabe, and Judge Roll...but you never hear about Dorothy, Phyliss, or Dorwan. They were just your regular neighbors...they were all in their 60's and 70's, and there is no reason that we shouldn't remember them as well.
I realize that my blog is rambling and I haven't truly drawn any conclusions...but this is my part of the discussion. I would like to be part of the rational discussion. I would like to listen to your discussion...this is how we start, by listening and not badgering others...
I am ready to listen...
Friday, December 14, 2012
Tragedy...and the media...
I feel compelled to write today because I cannot take my mind off of the horrible school shooting in Connecticut that just took place.
http://news.msn.com/us/at-least-27-dead-in-shooting-at-conn-elementary-school
As of right now the news is still reporting the sketchy details. My heart goes out to all the family and friends that are suffering right now, who have been affected by this horrible deed. I am saddened that so many of these mass shootings have taken place this year. I am saddened by all the issues and arguments that will stem from these incidents. Everyone on all the different sides of gun control will be using this incident instead of just letting families and friends mourn. This tragedy will be turned into another event that will be mass covered by the media and used for a firestorm of debates.
I wish that the media would turn off their fucking camera's and let these people cope and grieve. I wish that the news wouldn't broadcast about this for days on end creating the frenzy that I believe lends itself to other shootings. I understand the need for information to be passed on, but I believe the media lends itself to mockery and feeds the fire for the other unstable individuals out there when they cover tragedies like this one. As a human being I have that horrible desire to know the awful details, but the other part of me does not want to know every minute detail about the evil that has transpired in that school. Part of me just wants to let those people grieve in peace!!
I send my prayers to the families and friends!!
http://news.msn.com/us/at-least-27-dead-in-shooting-at-conn-elementary-school
As of right now the news is still reporting the sketchy details. My heart goes out to all the family and friends that are suffering right now, who have been affected by this horrible deed. I am saddened that so many of these mass shootings have taken place this year. I am saddened by all the issues and arguments that will stem from these incidents. Everyone on all the different sides of gun control will be using this incident instead of just letting families and friends mourn. This tragedy will be turned into another event that will be mass covered by the media and used for a firestorm of debates.
I wish that the media would turn off their fucking camera's and let these people cope and grieve. I wish that the news wouldn't broadcast about this for days on end creating the frenzy that I believe lends itself to other shootings. I understand the need for information to be passed on, but I believe the media lends itself to mockery and feeds the fire for the other unstable individuals out there when they cover tragedies like this one. As a human being I have that horrible desire to know the awful details, but the other part of me does not want to know every minute detail about the evil that has transpired in that school. Part of me just wants to let those people grieve in peace!!
I send my prayers to the families and friends!!
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