You don't have to dig far to guess what this blog post is going to be about. All over the news and social media are the discussions regarding Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford. I don't know what the outcome of this will be for either Kavanaugh or Ford, but that's not what I am as concerned about. What I am concerned about are the conversations that this topic has started. Conversations that bring up past events for many women that were detrimental in their lives. Conversations that parents realize could deeply affect their son's and daughter's. The statements being made by these powerful men that lend itself to the "boys will be boys" mentality is not ok. As a society we should be teaching our son's and daughter's different lessons.
We've all heard and repeated the mantra of "No means No" for years...but apparently that has just been a mantle piece for people to look at and feel good about. I guess it makes them feel like they are doing their part against rape by repeating that mantra. All the while, they have allowed their son's to grow up and degrade women and allowed their daughter's to take the blame for these men's shameful actions. They throw out statements like, "...she should have known better..." and "...she shouldn't have worn that...", etc... Righteous women take the sides of perpetrators by blaming immoral women. What kind of message are you sending to your sons when you say it's ok to rape a girl if she's not up to your moral standards. The girls are labeled sluts and the boys play themselves off as victims of these rampant She-Harlots. Like these girls are some mythological creature sent in to ruin their reputations as upstanding good little boys. Please spare me...the righteous and the wicked often walk hand in hand. Our society allows the upstanding righteous boys to pray upon girls that are looked at as damaged goods. Girls who should just feel lucky that a boy like that even payed attention to her.
When I was 15, my sophomore year I was raped. It was date rape and at the time I knew that I was not ok with what happened, but I didn't know it was rape. Please do not misconstrue this...it was 100% rape. I was so brain washed then that I believed that if you put yourself in a situation and you say NO...and it happens anyway it's not rape because you didn't fight back or because you chose to be there with this person.
At that point in my life I was not a virgin...I had had sex exactly two times in my life prior to this. Both times I was intoxicated and even as a drunk teenager I knew that I had 100% consented to what took place those two times. I was that girl who was damaged goods. My self esteem was low and I definitely had issues. Anyone who is 15 and a binge drinker has issues. That is not normal teenage behavior...no matter what anyone says. I checked all the boxes when it comes to a girl who would be blamed for being raped. I lost my virginity when I was young & drunk, I didn't have self esteem, my family was not well off, I was nerdy and not super popular. All the things that are used against women as reasons why they would be promiscuous and if your are promiscuous it's not rape. Just like a husband can't rape his wife.
My friend and I had been dropped off at the movie theater and decided to walk up to the bowling alley. There was nothing really going on at the bowling alley and we started to walk back to the theater. A car pulls up next to us that I recognize and two guys ask us if we want to hang out. I recognized the driver. He and his friend were seniors. We said sure and got in. I was thinking we were going to go to a party. We end up back at his house and there's no one else there. They make us two drinks - that we didn't really drink. Essentially, my friend and I are sitting in this house bored and we want to go back to the theater. The driver does the whole I want to show you something and leads me to the bedroom. We sit down and he starts kissing me and I am not comfortable and I tell him no I don't want to do this. He gives me the whole, "It's ok...I really like you" speech. I tell him no and that I can't because I'm no my period and I have a tampon in. He says, "that's ok, we can take care of that." He walks me to the bathroom and I mean he has hold of me by the arm and goes into the bathroom with me and tells me to take it out. I didn't realize it at the time, but my friend was in the living room and saw him walk me to the bathroom. She knows that something isn't right. I am walked back into the bedroom and he pushes me onto the floor. He is on top of me and his friend knocks on the door and he tells him to go away. His friend knocks again and says is everything ok - I yelled out that I wanted to go back to the living room. His friend opens the door and sees this guy on top of me and I am telling this guy that I want to get up and go back with my friend, that we need to go back to the movie theater where my friend's mom is picking us up. His friend says his name and tells him to let me up. He tells him that it looks like I don't want to be there. This guy says, "She's ok, everything is fine." He then looks at me and says, "tell him everything is fine..." and I do. I tell his friend it's ok and his friend shuts the door and leaves. And then I just lay on the floor until it's over and I get up and we leave and we get dropped back off at the movie theater. When I walked back out into the living room my friend looked at my face and she looked like she was going to be sick. When we were waiting for her mom she asked me if I was ok. She told me that I looked panicked when he took me to the bathroom and I had looked at her like, help me. I didn't even realize that I had done that. She was the one who told the other guy to go check on me. And she said that she had started kissing him but said she didn't want to do this and he said ok and stopped. I remember thinking that I wished his friend had stopped. I told her I was ok and that everything was fine. I felt bad for her. I didn't want to burden my best friend more...so I played it off to her.
It was a messed up situation. My friend wasn't sure what had happened, I wasn't sure what had happened, but his friend sure as hell knew. And it wasn't until his friend started calling my house asking if I was ok and if I had told anyone what had happened that I realized that he knew what his friend had done was wrong. I don't know if his friend was having him call because he was worried I was going to say something. This guy was 18 years old already. But his friend definitely told me he was sorry and I told him he had to stop calling my house. I knew that I did not want to have sex with this guy and I knew that I had said No. But because I said I was ok when his friend was in the room I thought that I hadn't been raped. I said I was ok because this guy, who was scaring me, was on top of me and he told me to say I was ok. I was 15 fucking years old...I was at a house I wasn't supposed to be at. I didn't think I had any options. I was a train wreck and he totally preyed upon that. He knew that I had to get back to the theater because we had told our parents we were going to a movie and instead we went to this house because we thought there was going to be a party. Instead I was raped. He knew I wasn't going to say anything and get me or my friend in trouble. And that is how a young girl who is doing something wrong looks at it. I was not where I was supposed to be. I was breaking the rules so I can't say anything.
Once I came to the full realization of what had happened...that I was raped, I blamed myself. I shouldn't have been there. I should not have said I was ok. Everyone else in that house knew something wasn't right so I should have spoke up more. I should have said something. I should have fought back or kicked him. I shouldn't have let him take me to the bathroom. I should have walked into the living room instead of the bathroom. I should never have gotten into that car. I listed a thousand things that I should or shouldn't have done. And you know what I never thought...I never thought about what he should or shouldn't have done! That's how conditioned girls were back then. That's how warped my thinking was. I never considered that he shouldn't have asked me to get in the car. I never considered that he shouldn't have asked me to his bedroom. I never considered that he should have stopped when I said NO. I never considered that he shouldn't have taken me to the bathroom. I never considered that he should have listened to his friend. I never considered that he shouldn't have raped me!
Boys will be boys, is not ok! Boys will be boys, is not a justifiable excuse for rape!
After that the train wreck of a young girl that I was already starting to be just spiraled out of control. I was a black out drinker and everything negative that I thought about myself was just solidified by that one night. It was date rape. I didn't even fully understand what Date Rape was then. I didn't get it...I didn't know that I had been a victim of Date Rape. I literally remember watching one of those cheesy after school special type of movies or maybe it was Lifetime and realizing that was what happened to me when I was 15.
It took a few more years before I realized that this was the catalyst that sent me down a dark path. I didn't realize that when you have no self respect that your decisions just become more rash and self destructive. I didn't like myself and it showed. Granted there was some major dysfunction happening before all this, but unfortunately it's that dysfunction that leads to girls not speaking up because you are already looked at badly or already have horrible self esteem issues. It's not just the dysfunctional girls that run into road blocks either. It's the same thinking for the girls who are seen as being to smart or to popular to be date raped. There are so many girls who have never spoken up because this isn't something that is supposed to happen to them. It doesn't fit into the narrative that people have given them.
Our society puts all these labels and expectations on girls that lead to them being silent when they should be screaming from the rafters!! Don't silence your daughters...give them a voice and let them be heard!!! Educate your son's and teach them that respect isn't just a word, it is a way of life.
I am using my voice now because I was the victim of Date Rape and Date Rape is Rape!!
