It is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month...do the abusers know that?

I have posted on my facebook a couple of links relating to National Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I even had a friend tag a video that made her think of me.  I think it is wonderful that people are advocating and educating people on Domestic Violence, but what about the abusers?  Do they know that it is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Well...ofcourse they don't and why...well because they are not "abusive" and they don't fit into that category.  It isn't their fault that their spouses or partners make them angry.  It isn't their fault that they live with someone who is "stupid" or an "idiot".  They wouldn't have to hit or insult you if you would just listen the first time.  Personally what I would like is a National Abusive Spouse/Partner Awareness Month.

We advocate to people constantly about how to recognize domestic violence and what you should do if you are in the cycle of violence and how to remove yourself from the situation.  But we don't cast enough light on the abusers.  Yes-I am serious.  We hear the stories all the time from victims and survivors of domestic violence, but the abuser seems to fade away.  We are always happy to hear the stories of the people that got out of the situations.  We are always horrified to find out about the victims that don't get out and end up another statistic.  It is usually only in those situations that we hear about the abuser.  We see the abuser on the news being charged with murder...but that abuser is just one of many.  And for the most part most abusers are never charged with any crime relating to domestic violence.  We don't hear their story.  I think we should and here is why.

Many people that leave violent relationships recover and move on with their lives without the police ever being involved or the abuser is never charged with anything.  The victim moves on and gets their life back, but the abuser moves on also.  What do you think happens to the next person they have a relationship with.  People that commit acts of domestic violence are not picky about who they abuse.  That is because they don't have a problem with whoever they abuse...the problem is inside them.  It is part of their nature to insult, belittle, humiliate, intimidate, and assault whoever has opened themselves up to them.  They will find a reason to be abusive and blame it on the victim.  As victims we should be proud of moving on, but we should also be casting a huge spotlight on the people we left.  They will move on and abuse someone else.

Many people try to make excuses for the abuser:  They have a drug or alcohol problem, they were victims of abuse, it was from being stressed and overworked.  Those are all cop outs.  Even the drug and alcohol excuse is a fail.  Unfortunately, statistically there are many alcoholics and drug addicts out there that do not primarily commit acts of domestic violence.  There is already something there that causes them to lash out and many times those people would be abusive without the drugs or alcohol.  I have seen that first hand.  It is easy to blame it on that...but that is not a foolproof scapegoat.  There is no excuse for abusive behavior.  There is nothing that makes it OK.  I have honestly never heard of a reformed "wife beater".

Most abusers have committed acts of domestic violence towards not only their own spouse/partner but also at some point in time a member of their immediate family.  I actively witnessed my ex commit acts of domestic violence against his parents, both of my children, and his ex girlfriend.  After I left him he abused every single woman that had any type of relationship with him.  I will never trust him and I do not believe that he is "cured" just because he has a doctor telling him he is mentally ill and needs medication.  He tries to say that all the drugs fried his brain...which may be true...but he was abusive and violent long before his 7 year drug run.

His first act of violence against me was in 1995 and he wasn't on drugs or drinking...he was just mad because I went to Wal-Mart without telling him.  I had gone to get him something he wanted for Christmas...so I didn't tell him.  He met me at the car and as I was trying to get out he pushed me back in the car and started screaming at me.  I tried to get out of the car again and he hit me in the head and at that point I freaked out and started shouting, "I can't believe you just hit me...you hit me..." he immediately let me get out of the car because the car was parked on the street and I was "making a scene".  It was at that point that I should have realized what kind of a person he really was.  But I didn't because the cycle had started and I was completely ignorant to it.  I was 22 and as soon as he apologized and cried about it and told me it was an accident I believed him.  I thought to myself, "...well I should have told him where I was going...it's my fault."  As time progressed whenever "little" incidents like that happened I learned to not create a "scene".  The more of a "scene" I created the worse it was for me.  All those years and it never occurred to me that I was not the one causing the "scene".

I plan on writing my whole story for the first time ever in my next blog.  But for this one I really just wanted to get the point across that we need to remember the victims...but even more so we need to point out the abusers.  We need to be AWARE of who is abusing our loved ones and who has abused us.  We will not be the last ones they abuse.